Alumni Blog

Failing When Giving

Ali Manek is an Intercordia 2005 Alumnus from Kings College at the University of Western Ontario.  This was a reflection he wrote for his prof, Wendy Russell on reflecting about his 3 month placement in Ecuador in 2005.

One day a month into my trip to Ecuador, my group of nine students got together at the hostel in Quito with our advisor, Klever, to talk about our experience. As we each went through our stories, Klever asked, “what do you like in your host families or communities that are different than what you are used to?”  One of the students said how she enjoyed the closeness of the family unit in Ecuador.  Mothers and their sons and daughters who visited regularly, had many dinner parties together, and did many activities together. The family culture in North America is very different. There are many reasons that this might be the case: our busy lifestyles, importance of making money, and the socially structured values and priorities. However, these pressures found in North America exist in Ecuador as well, but evidently not nearly as predominant. The volunteer was talking about was the difference between Ecuadorian families and typical North American Families.  When I met my host family in Ecuador, it was difficult for them to understand that I was an Indian-African Muslim Canadian. To them, being born in Canada meant I was Canadian and anything else was not important. However, living in Canada my entire life, I have had a different experience. Although I am Canadian, I am unlike most other Canadians. I do not have any Native Canadian relatives, was not apart of the colonialism of Canada by the French and British, and I am the first generation of Canadian children in my family. Therefore, being Canadian for me is in fact being Indian-African Muslim Canadian. As a Canadian, I feel that ones roots are emphasized unlike our neighbours to the South. In Canada, especially in Toronto, I feel encouraged to be proud of my culture and practice my religion thus; I identify myself as not only Canadian but a Canadian with outside influence.

The last three or four generations of my family had been African immigrants from India. Many Indians from Gujarat immigrated to the British East Africa to work in plantations and on the railroad. My ancestors are among those immigrants. Khojas as they are referred to held their Indian culture and mixed it with the African traditions of East Africa. Although cultural traditions were being influence by the new land, religious traditions were barely affected. However, the growing communities of Muslims in Dares-Salaam, Tanzania and in Kampala, Uganda allowed for easier practice of the religion as apposed to the difficulties of being Muslim in India at the time.  Indian traditions regarding the family unit barely changed during the stay in East Africa. The roles in the family were just as clearly defined in India as in Africa. Family values far outweighed all other obligations and respect for elders was entrenched into society. The honour of the family name was also just as important and as ties to the motherland began to decline as generations progressed in Africa, many families received a clean sleet to represent their family name and their ancestors.  The largest migration of Khojas from Africa to the new world came in 1972 Uganda. General Ida Mien Dada, after a military coup on the government, ordered all whites out of his nation. Included in his expulsion were all Ugandan citizens with British ties, which included all Indian immigrants. For the second time in four generations, the Indians left their land to find new opportunities. The largest groups of Ugandan Refugees fled to England. Others made their way to Pakistan, United States, and Canada.  Once introduced to Canadian culture, the Khojas were encouraged to teach the Canadian people about their religions, traditions, and culture. For many Canadians, this was their first encounter with an Indian. And it wasn’’t difficult to live up to the pressure of introducing the locals to Indian culture as almost all of it had been preserved throughout the time in Africa. Among the aspects of Indian culture came the values of family.  Although, lifestyle in Canada is much different than East Africa, the Canadian people and government have made it much easier for immigrants to maintain their religions and cultures in this land. As a result, during my time in Ecuador, I found it normal to see the efforts made to keep the family unit tight-nit. When I heard the testimony of this volunteer, I could not relate. When I witnessed the closeness of my host brothers to their mother, I found it normal and typical of my own culture. Although, I felt that those who found this aspect of Ecuadorian life different seemed to like it better then the typical family life of Canada, thus, I did not give my opinions to our group. However, I felt proud to be an Indian-African Canadian and found it easy to assimilate into Ecuadorian family life-style.  In what I would regard as Western norms, it is common to bring a small gift for a host when invited for dinner or a party. Often when my family in Canada has invited our neighbours for dinner, they have come with a box of chocolates or a plate of baked goodsas a token of appreciation. This gesture is not uncommon in Ecuador either and I witnessed this when my host mother invited neighbours to our house one evening. I found nothing extraordinary about this as I would normally practice this norm in Canada
when invited to a friend’s house as well.

There is a higher amount of respect given toward family in Indian-African culture than that given toward friends. Thus, some actions that would be typical for friends would not apply for family. For example, when invited for dinner at the house of a family member, it would be seen as disrespectful to bring a small gift of any sort for the family as this gesture is reserved for friends. In fact, even when close family friends invite my Canadian family for dinner, often we would not take a gift as a sign of respect because we are treating them the same as we would be treating our family. Thus, through my own ignorance and beliefs, I ignored a valuable and important norm of Ecuadorian
culture. When I realized early in my trip that my family norms are so similar to that of the Ecuadorians, I tried to apply my own cultural norms on those who I was living with in Ecuador.  One afternoon I was invited for a meal and a day trip with my host brother Pepe.  As this was a month into the trip, I was well acquainted with my brother and felt that I was treated, and was expected to treat him and his family as if I was his brother. I went to his house empty handed and returned many hours later after spending the entire day with his family. Thinking I had done nothing wrong, upon my return to my house, my host mother asked me what I had taken as a gift for my family. My response was that I had not taken anything and was unaware that I needed to buy a gift for Pepe as he was my brother and not a friend. My mother kindly explained to me that when invited to someone’s house, a small gift was expected as a token of gratitude. She suggested a bottle of cola or a few fruits would be sufficient.

Almost three weeks later, I was again invited to dinner with Pepe and his family at his house. Not wanting to make the same cultural mistake again, I asked my mother what I should take with me as a sign of gratitude. She offered me a 3 litre bottle of cola and said that would be okay. However, I felt that a bottle of cola is insufficient. I believed that in this instance I would have to treat Pepe like I would a good friend in Canada and a bottle of Coke seemed too small of a gift. I told my mother I would go and purchase my own gift on my way to the bus and she again advised that fruits or cola would be fine.  When I arrived at the small store at the top of Passé J and held the 3 litre bottle of Coke, I decided that if I wanted to give Pepe and his family a gift out of gratitude, I needed to purchase sometime more sufficient. Instead of the Coke, I purchased a number of other items that we might be able to use. I entered Peep’s house with a bag full of fruits, bread, cookies, chips, cans of tuna, and even a small bottle of hot sauce. I was excited to give my gift to Pepe and his family. I believe that I felt similar to Richard Borshay Lee from his article Eating Christmas in the Kalahari. Likewise with Lee, the response I received was not what I was expecting. Pepe’‘s wife seemed less then thrilled at my generous offer, and Pepe himself looked almost insulted. I sat on the sofa confused and recorded the events in the article I had read and thought maybe they are really happy and just choose not to show it. I tried to make excuses for the sudden silence and decided that Pepe and his wife must have had an argument and were angry. When the talking got back to normal between the husband and wife, I said to myself that they were just pretending so that I do not think anything negative of them.  Soon everything was as normal as I had expected it to be and we had a pleasant meal. We ate some of the fruits that I had brought, but did not use anything else. They had their own homemade hot sauce and lots of cookies and sweets for the children. It
was not until I was leaving that I understood the level of disrespect that Pepe and his family had felt that evening. As I stood by the door ready to walk out, Pepe’’s wife ran to the door to say goodbye… and handed me the unused bread, cans of tuna, cookies and chips that I had bought for their family. When I told her that it was a gift for the family for inviting me over, she kindly let me know that it was unnecessary and that she did not want me to spend my money.  It was then that I realized that she was in fact telling me that my gift was an insult to her and her family and that I should eat it all myself. Although I was afraid to enquire further because of the subtle way the gift was returned to me, it dawned on me that I had greatly insulted Pepe and his family and suggested to him that since I am from the West with lots of money, a small token of appreciation was insufficient for me and to satisfy my own feelings, I wanted to buy more for his family. Furthermore, my action could have been interpreted as a boastful and arrogant by implying that I have more money and Pepe cannot provide for his family as well as I can. Although this was not my intention, I remembered the article by Lee and the lesson that he needed to learn was humility. Not only did I need to get over it and apologize for my actions, I also needed to remember that I was in a new land, with different customs that I must learn about fully before applying my own norms on this society.

You can view more details and photos of Ali’s placement in Ecuador on his website.